I have always been a fan of the Duggar family since they came out with their first show, 16 kids and Counting. I just watched their final show of their season of 19 Kids and Counting and I cried. Not like the Julia Roberts, wipe a tear and be good cry, but the all out bawl my eyes out, unsightly mabeline lines all over my face, snot dripping....yup, one of those cries. Michelle was pregnant with her 20th child. When she went in for her 20 week ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby, the tech couldn't find a heartbeat. It was devastating for the entire family. What Michelle kept saying really hit home with me, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh, blessed be the name of the Lord." God has given me a precious, beautiful spirit in that of my Tiny Baby. And I know the Lord could take him away when he sees fit. I only hope and pray that I need him more on this side of the veil than God needs him on the other side.
But what really struck me, more today than it has before, is I will be a mother to many children, whether it is now or later, whether it is here or on the other side. Please understand, this doesn't necessarily make it any easier when I go to the zoo and everyone (and everything including every animal) is swollen with a belly but it gives me a bit of perspective. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh....
I wish I was a more elequant writer. I wish that I could beautifully put down how I am feeling or thinking. But my tears are an expression of my thoughts. My tears express volumes.....
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
It's happening again
Disclaimer:
I have been worried about writing about my secondary infertility because of the looks or the comments I may receive. "But you have a child. That is more than some women will ever hope to have." And ya know what, you are right. I am not being selfish. I am ever so grateful for the AMAZING blessing of my sweet little boy. I promised Heavenly Father that I would never take him for granted and I DON'T, but at the end of the day, this is my blog and I can freely write about how I am feeling. If you read my main blog you would know that I don't take a moment for granted! There....now onto the post...
I went to church today. I love church! I love church because of the amazing ward I am in. They are so supportive. They are all so kind. But my ward is full of young, spunky PREGNANT women. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE them dearly! I know several of them have struggled with getting pregnant themselves so I don't hate. :) It is just hard. I am looking at the women at church and wishing it was me. We went to the zoo yesterday and you know what I noticed? All of the pregnant women! *sigh* I am nearly 30 (wow...I said it, it must really be true!) and I really thought I would be done before I was 35. It scares me to think we may not even have #2 before that time! 6 years. 6 years it took me to get pregnant with Tiny Baby. When I was younger, much younger, I pictured myself with 8 children. But times have changed. I think about my family and I see, dream, of 3 little boys. 3 perfect little boys. But if I only get 1, gosh, he sure is perfect!!
Gosh, I love that boy!! Thank you, Heavenly Father, for sending me such an amazing, perfect blessing. If if be thy will, someday I would love to give him a brother. If not, thanks for letting me be his mommy!!
I have been worried about writing about my secondary infertility because of the looks or the comments I may receive. "But you have a child. That is more than some women will ever hope to have." And ya know what, you are right. I am not being selfish. I am ever so grateful for the AMAZING blessing of my sweet little boy. I promised Heavenly Father that I would never take him for granted and I DON'T, but at the end of the day, this is my blog and I can freely write about how I am feeling. If you read my main blog you would know that I don't take a moment for granted! There....now onto the post...
I went to church today. I love church! I love church because of the amazing ward I am in. They are so supportive. They are all so kind. But my ward is full of young, spunky PREGNANT women. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE them dearly! I know several of them have struggled with getting pregnant themselves so I don't hate. :) It is just hard. I am looking at the women at church and wishing it was me. We went to the zoo yesterday and you know what I noticed? All of the pregnant women! *sigh* I am nearly 30 (wow...I said it, it must really be true!) and I really thought I would be done before I was 35. It scares me to think we may not even have #2 before that time! 6 years. 6 years it took me to get pregnant with Tiny Baby. When I was younger, much younger, I pictured myself with 8 children. But times have changed. I think about my family and I see, dream, of 3 little boys. 3 perfect little boys. But if I only get 1, gosh, he sure is perfect!!
Gosh, I love that boy!! Thank you, Heavenly Father, for sending me such an amazing, perfect blessing. If if be thy will, someday I would love to give him a brother. If not, thanks for letting me be his mommy!!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Secondary Infertility
Nearly every couple who was pregnant with us is either expecting or just had thier second child. It is really hard. The questions have started to come up again, "When are you having another one?" Wouldn't we like to know that too! I enjoy every single second with my little guy. I try not to take a single second for granted. I hope it doesn't take us another 6 years to have another one, if we can even have another one. I am so eternally grateful for the blessing my Heavenly Father has given me with my little Bug. He makes me so happy! I just hope we can give him a brother someday.
Friday, August 19, 2011
It never ends
I have taken a break from posting on this blog because I had thought, "Well, I got pregnant and now I have a darling, sweet, perfect little boy, what right do I have to post on my infertility blog?" And the truth is, it never ends. Please, don't get me wrong. I love my Bug so incredibly much and I absolutely do not take a single moment with him for granted! I hold him and love on him and cuddle him and play with him. This is NOT a pity party. This is me expressing my thoughts. I cannot believe he is 13 months old! Where did the time go?
But in reality, inferility is peaking its ugly little head. We are not/have not prevented pregnancy. I have thought about having a second child since Bug was born. I am constantly worrying about having another child. I am constantly driving myself crazy about getting pregnant again. I am almost 30 years old. I was supposed to be done having children by the time I was 35. It is crazy, emotional. It never stops. There is no, "I changed my mind. I chicken out of this roller coaster, I want off" place. Here we are. Here I am, standing on the precipice of craziness.
But in reality, inferility is peaking its ugly little head. We are not/have not prevented pregnancy. I have thought about having a second child since Bug was born. I am constantly worrying about having another child. I am constantly driving myself crazy about getting pregnant again. I am almost 30 years old. I was supposed to be done having children by the time I was 35. It is crazy, emotional. It never stops. There is no, "I changed my mind. I chicken out of this roller coaster, I want off" place. Here we are. Here I am, standing on the precipice of craziness.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Dear Friend,
My heart aches for you because...I have been there.
When I heard you lost your second little one to a miscarriage last week, my heart ached. I cried and shed many tears for you. I wish that I could take you in my arms and hold you. I wish that I could give you permission to cry, to be angry. Those are okay emotions to feel. I wish I could tell you that your time will come too. I want to make it better, easier for you. I want you to be able to smile again, but please know, it is okay to hurt.
I love you dearly. I know you don't know me, but it is important for me to tell you, you are in my prayers. You are a special spirit daughter of God and although it may not seem like it, He has a grand, divine plan for you! The road is never easy and I recognize that. I know that there is nothing I can say that will make it easier for you. I know that words are often meaningless, but know that I am praying, and crying, with you!
When I heard you lost your second little one to a miscarriage last week, my heart ached. I cried and shed many tears for you. I wish that I could take you in my arms and hold you. I wish that I could give you permission to cry, to be angry. Those are okay emotions to feel. I wish I could tell you that your time will come too. I want to make it better, easier for you. I want you to be able to smile again, but please know, it is okay to hurt.
I love you dearly. I know you don't know me, but it is important for me to tell you, you are in my prayers. You are a special spirit daughter of God and although it may not seem like it, He has a grand, divine plan for you! The road is never easy and I recognize that. I know that there is nothing I can say that will make it easier for you. I know that words are often meaningless, but know that I am praying, and crying, with you!
Monday, February 15, 2010
The Post I Never Thought Would Happen
Five years...
Five years of failed pregnancies, negative "pee on a stick tests," friends have multiple children, seeing lots of blessings and big bellies....
I never thought it would be me.
I made the comment to dh that with two dogs and our home, that our family felt complete. For the first time, I felt content with where we were, what we were doing.
One round of clomid, a lot of luck and prayers, and we conceived our miracle baby. This was seriously a post I never thought I would be typing. In fact, I have waited so long because I wasn't sure what the fate of my blog would be. I still don't know. But there are a few things I know for certain...
My heart aches for my dear friends still TTC. It can be a lonely journey. I have been there and I know. It doesn't matter if this is our only little one or if we have ten more, I can never forget where I have been. I can't stop crying because I know the pain, the sorrow, the heartache...and now, I am getting to experience the happiness, the anticipation, the excitement of an upcoming little one. I will NEVER understand the absolute injustice of infertility. And yes, I think it is an injustice. As second grade as it sounds, it is NOT fair. But I continue to learn from my journey.
I know that I relish in every moment of this pregnancy. I know that the sickness I STILL feel at 18 weeks is my baby growing. I know that the heartburn I have everyday is a good thing. I try not to complain too much because this is exactly what I wanted and I try to relish in every moment of it.
The fate of my blog is undecided. But I anticipate the next few months, the next few years, eternity, with my little one and my husband. I know prayers are answered, and it is not about our timing, it is not always our way.
Five years of failed pregnancies, negative "pee on a stick tests," friends have multiple children, seeing lots of blessings and big bellies....
I never thought it would be me.
I made the comment to dh that with two dogs and our home, that our family felt complete. For the first time, I felt content with where we were, what we were doing.
One round of clomid, a lot of luck and prayers, and we conceived our miracle baby. This was seriously a post I never thought I would be typing. In fact, I have waited so long because I wasn't sure what the fate of my blog would be. I still don't know. But there are a few things I know for certain...
My heart aches for my dear friends still TTC. It can be a lonely journey. I have been there and I know. It doesn't matter if this is our only little one or if we have ten more, I can never forget where I have been. I can't stop crying because I know the pain, the sorrow, the heartache...and now, I am getting to experience the happiness, the anticipation, the excitement of an upcoming little one. I will NEVER understand the absolute injustice of infertility. And yes, I think it is an injustice. As second grade as it sounds, it is NOT fair. But I continue to learn from my journey.
I know that I relish in every moment of this pregnancy. I know that the sickness I STILL feel at 18 weeks is my baby growing. I know that the heartburn I have everyday is a good thing. I try not to complain too much because this is exactly what I wanted and I try to relish in every moment of it.
The fate of my blog is undecided. But I anticipate the next few months, the next few years, eternity, with my little one and my husband. I know prayers are answered, and it is not about our timing, it is not always our way.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Clomid
Well, I ended up being 15 days late!
But after those fifteen days, I started clomid. It was no walk in the park! My friends, you were not lying when you said it could cause mood swings. I felt like I was on the verge of crying every minute. I was super weepy. And my second side effect was HOT FLASHES! They were so random and so crazy. I would be up teaching a class and all of sudden, start sweating and fanning myself. Wow...I am not sure I am ready for children. All of the trying, all of the waiting, and I am having second thoughts, huge worries! I have heard it say that no one is ever really ready, but I don't feel physically, emotionally, financially ready. I still just trust in a bigger plan.
We don't have Internet set up at our home yet, so it is only occasionally I get to blog. Man, I miss it! Hopefully, a longer update soon!
But after those fifteen days, I started clomid. It was no walk in the park! My friends, you were not lying when you said it could cause mood swings. I felt like I was on the verge of crying every minute. I was super weepy. And my second side effect was HOT FLASHES! They were so random and so crazy. I would be up teaching a class and all of sudden, start sweating and fanning myself. Wow...I am not sure I am ready for children. All of the trying, all of the waiting, and I am having second thoughts, huge worries! I have heard it say that no one is ever really ready, but I don't feel physically, emotionally, financially ready. I still just trust in a bigger plan.
We don't have Internet set up at our home yet, so it is only occasionally I get to blog. Man, I miss it! Hopefully, a longer update soon!
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