Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Duggars

I have always been a fan of the Duggar family since they came out with their first show, 16 kids and Counting. I just watched their final show of their season of 19 Kids and Counting and I cried.  Not like the Julia Roberts, wipe a tear and be good cry, but the all out bawl my eyes out, unsightly mabeline lines all over my face, snot dripping....yup, one of those cries.  Michelle was pregnant with her 20th child.  When she went in for her 20 week ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby, the tech couldn't find a heartbeat.  It was devastating for the entire family.  What Michelle kept saying really hit home with me, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh, blessed be the name of the Lord."  God has given me a precious, beautiful spirit in that of my Tiny Baby.  And I know the Lord could take him away when he sees fit.  I only hope and pray that I need him more on this side of the veil than God needs him on the other side. 

But what really struck me, more today than it has before, is I will be a mother to many children, whether it is now or later, whether it is here or on the other side.  Please understand, this doesn't necessarily make it any easier when I go to the zoo and everyone (and everything including every animal) is swollen with a belly but it gives me a bit of perspective.  The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh....

I wish I was a more elequant writer.  I wish that I could beautifully put down how I am feeling or thinking. But my tears are an expression of my thoughts.  My tears express volumes.....

Sunday, March 18, 2012

It's happening again

I have been worried about writing about my secondary infertility because of the looks or the comments I may receive.  "But you have a child.  That is more than some women will ever hope to have." And ya know what, you are right.  I am not being selfish.  I am ever so grateful for the AMAZING blessing of my sweet little boy.  I promised Heavenly Father that I would never take him for granted and I DON'T, but at the end of the day, this is my blog and I can freely write about how I am feeling. If  you read my main blog you would know that I don't take a moment for granted! onto the post...

I went to church today.  I love church!  I love church because of the amazing ward I am in.  They are so supportive.  They are all so kind.  But my ward is full of young, spunky PREGNANT women.  Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE them dearly!  I know several of them have struggled with getting pregnant themselves so I don't hate.  :)  It is just hard.  I am looking at the women at church and wishing it was me.  We went to the zoo yesterday and you know what I noticed?  All of the pregnant women!  *sigh*  I am nearly 30 (wow...I said it, it must really be true!) and I really thought I would be done before I was 35.  It scares me to think we may not even have #2 before that time!  6 years.  6 years it took me to get pregnant with Tiny Baby.  When I was younger, much younger, I pictured myself with 8 children.  But times have changed.  I think about my family and I see, dream, of 3 little boys.  3 perfect little boys.  But if I only get 1, gosh, he sure is perfect!!

Gosh, I love that boy!!  Thank you, Heavenly Father, for sending me such an amazing, perfect blessing.  If if be thy will, someday I would love to give him a brother.  If not, thanks for letting me be his mommy!!                                               

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Secondary Infertility

Nearly every couple who was pregnant with us is either expecting or just had thier second child.  It is really hard.  The questions have started to come up again, "When are you having another one?"  Wouldn't we like to know that too!  I enjoy every single second with my little guy.  I try not to take a single second for granted.  I hope it doesn't take us another 6 years to have another one, if we can even have another one.  I am so eternally grateful for the blessing my Heavenly Father has given me with my little Bug.  He makes me so happy!  I just hope we can give him a brother someday.