Friday, April 27, 2012

Infertility Awareness

One in eight women suffer from infertility, which means that 87.5% of the population have no problems getting pregnant.  I personally have friends say who have said to me, "We weren't even trying.  We were on three forms of birth control."  or "We just wash our underwear together and we are pregnant."  or my personal fave from a dear friend, "We just have to think about each other naked in bed and I am 'knocked up.'"

Some of us are not so lucky.  Some of us take our temperature and check our mucus and clear our schedules.  We endure appointment after appointment, pill after pill, test after test.....And then we endure those 87.5% saying things like, "You just have to relax."  or "Sometimes you just need to stop trying for it to happen." 

I am not angry and bitter at you.  I am not upset or jealous.  I am simply hurting.  My heart aches. I really feel we as women take our bodies for granted.  They are magnificent organisms created by a loving Heavenly Father for our use on this mortal journey.  Everything is so properly in place--arms with hands who opposable thumbs, ten toes to paint, legs with amazing muscles to move us, two ears and only one mouth--what a perfectly designed, well oiled temple our body is.  Sometimes, things just don't work right.  Even if all of the parts are there....they just don't work, sometimes without explanation.

So, please excuse me when I get up from the chapel while you are blessing your baby.  Or please don't be angry if I send my regrets for your baby shower.  It is not because I am not amazingly excited for you and your family.  I am!  I really am, but sometimes, the hurt is too much.  It isn't because I don't love you or am being selfish.  It is actually self preservation.

I have come across some amazing websites lately.  Please watch this video here on Infertility.   (you may need a tissue or 12)
I also love Ashley of Feigning Fertility.  She always says things exactly as I wish I could!  (and I don't think she knows I am "blog stalker" but I really love her!!  She is so real!)
And one more link for Resolve.  It is a website all about Infertility Awareness.

Please, I don't intend to offend.  I don't intend to hurt. 

I intend to educate.

I intend to vent.

I intend to share my tears and my journey...

Thursday, April 26, 2012

How do you title hurt?

Some days as an infertile woman just suck.
Yup.  I said it.  I went there.
I know, I don't usually, but it is just the way I feel in the moment.
You know, the day when that one more person told you they were pregnant and you put on your fake smile and hugged them and told them you were really excited for them but deep down, you are crying and aching. 

I cry because I am sad.
I laugh because I am happy.
I smile because that sweet little boy is smiling at me and I just can't help it. 
Gosh, I love him dearly and would love to give him a brother.

I am not good with words.  I have much to say, but just not sure how to say it.  We are winding down on Infertility Week and I have been trying to think of something profound to write all week.  Lots of things have crossed my mind, just nothing sounded right.  It still doesn't which is why I have probably erased the last 100 sentences I wrote.  So, I guess that is it for tonight.  Until then....

Monday, April 16, 2012

April 16

This is a day that will always hold a special place in my heart.
April 16 was the due date of my first pregnancy.
My child would be 5 years old this year.

It isn't something I talk about with anyone.  It is something I even bring up to my husband.  As this day passes every year, I say a prayer for the child that was once in me, even if just for a little while.  I have read and prayed and talked with a lot of people about miscarriages and I am not sure what I believe.  Some say it was your child who needed a more perfect body who later comes to earth through another pregnancy.  Some say you will have the opportunity to raise that child in heaven. I have heard they just needed a body, if only for a moment. The verdict is still out for me....

But nonetheless, I ache and hurt.  He would be going to kindergarten.  He would be talking and running and learning numbers and letters....But he didn't make it.  It didn't happen. I am grateful for the lives I carried before my sweet Tiny Baby was born because I think I appreciate him so much more.  I have heard, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before."  It doesn't make things any easier.

To my sweet spirit baby, I love you and I am grateful to have loved you.  I am grateful to have had you inside of me, if only for a few weeks.  You made me a mommy first.  You brought joy to our home and our lives.  Thank you for loving and choosing me.  Happy Birthday Baby!!