Sunday, June 28, 2009


I bought a book several months ago because it had a catchy title (and I had some points I needed to use from Deseret Book). It is by Sheri Dew (one of my absolute heroes!!) called "No One Can Take Your Place." I picked it up this afternoon and have not been disappointed. (I don't think it's possible to be disappointed with Sheri Dew!) But I got to chapter 3 entitled, "Are we not all Mothers?" If you know Sheri Dew, she is an older woman who never married or had children, but is still a strong leader and advocate for mothers and women everywhere!) She relays a story of walking through a very tough crowd with her four teenage nieces. She was so worried for them and would do anything to protect them. That is precisely how I feel as an Auntie. I love those little girls with everything I have and would do anything to make them safe, happy, and healthy.

"While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity and to, in effect, limit it to that definition, in the Lords language the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words or titles they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both god the Father and Adam called Eve "the mother of all living" (Moses 4:26)-and they did so before she ever bore a child. "And Adam called his wife's name Eve, because she was the mother of all living; for thus have I, the Lord God, called the first of all women, which are many" (Moses 4:26)" Eve was "mother" before she bore children. Are we not then all mothers?

"Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly and definitely that. It is the essence of who we are as women. Motherhood defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits, talents, and tendencies our Father gave us."

"Motherhood is not what was left over after our Father blessed His sons with the privilege of the priesthood ordination. It was the most ennobling endowment He could give His daughters, a sacred trust that gave woman and unparalleled role in helping his children keep their second estate."

"Women who through no fault of their own cannot exercise the gift of motherhood directly, may do so vicariously." (Elder John A. Widtsoe) I know that I am doing this, in essence, by being the best Auntie I can be, by being the best Sunbeam teacher I can be.

"God bless those mothers who are not yet permitted through no fault of their own to be mothers in very deed, but who are nevertheless mothers at heart" (Elder Melvin J. Ballard)

"The Lord does nothing with a short-range view. Everything He does if for forever."

These words are some of the most touching I have ever had the experience of reading. My heart is full, my mind is busy. I can be better. I know that the Lord has prepared a way for all of us. I know that He doesn't make mistakes. I know that He cries when I cry, He aches when I ache. I am sure He is saying, "Child, be patient. I have a plan for you. Trust me. Exercise faith." I have been so very inconsolable lately with my infertility. I have let myself go physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. But tonight, I have a glimmer of hope. I pray that this feeling lasts, I pray that I may understand my divine nature as a "mother" despite the fact that I don't have my own biological child. I held one of my dear, sweet Sunbeams on my lap today and he grabbed my arms and wrapped them so tightly around him. He pulled my face up to his and he whispered in my ear "I love you." My heart melted, my eyes watered. I don't have to be a mother to make a difference. By just being me, I am doing something remarkable. The Atonement is real and for all of us.

Thursday, June 18, 2009


When I was a young girl dreaming about the future, my dreams consisted of a big mansion with acres of yard and gardens, children running everywhere, myself in an apron fixing dinner for my husband who would come home and give me a kiss. It was the perfect "Happy Ever After" for me. Yesterday was my 27th birthday. 27. My life, at this point, it not at all what I had in mind as a 16-year-old girl! I work full time, I don't have a mansion (or even a house at this point), not children running under foot. I do have an apron, but I am not the cook I once dreamed of being!

But I had some pretty big realizations yesterday. I had to work 14 hours on my special day, which wasn't really a big deal for me. (My DH wasn't too excited about it). I LOVE my job as a teacher! It seems kinda selfish, but it is so rewarding when the light bulbs go off for my students and they get a concept they have been struggling with. My students were so incredibly sweet! They bought me socks (I have a sock fetish!!), pizza, chocolate, cake. I got cards signed by them all. They hugged me and complimented me and were just amazing! I am such a proud teacher!! I realized that I don't have to be a mom to make a difference. Everyday I am at work, I am influencing lives for good. It is so rewarding!!

Today, my heart is full of happiness, which it hasn't felt in a very long time. I am a teacher and and educator and I help people change their lives. I am an Aunt and my nieces adore me, which is more than I could ever ask for. I am a wife who is loved by a worthy, handsome man. I am a daughter who is doing everything I can to make my parents proud. I am a sister who tries her hardest to be a good example to her younger brother. I am a daughter-in-law who loves their son and does everything possible to take care of him. I am a grand-daughter who loves unconditionally and will do everything possible to make life easier for my grandparents. I am a sister-in-law with laughs and a listening ear to share. I am a friend to many who may not have anywhere else to turn at times. These are some of my proudest titles.

I don't have the title just yet of mother, and for today at least, that is okay. I realize it is a day by day type of thing. Tomorrow, I may be scraping the bottom of the barrel for some kind of happiness, but for today, for this hour, in the very moment, it is enough. It is exactly enough. So, being 27 with no little children wondering around wasn't in my plans. Being 27 living with my in-laws waiting for our home wasn't in my plans. But I have to have faith that someone has bigger plans for me. My plans are constantly changing and growing, and so am I.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Where Can I Turn for Peace?

I find myself saying strange, silly things all the time to people around me. Things like, "Well, I am just going to be the best Aunt in the entire world for my nieces and nephews." or "Hubby and I have decided to take advantage of the time with just the two of us and travel and just do all sorts of things, just the two of us." I came to a realization yesterday that I say these things to try and dull the pain of those around me. Friends, family...they don't really know what to say. I can't say as if I blame them! Being the caretaker I am, I try to make sure everyone around me, at all times, is comfortable and happy. Will I ever put myself first?

On another note, the baby shower for my dear sweet sister-in-law was yesterday. My other sis-in-law and I were in charge. Everyone commented on how amazing it was and what great fun they had. I love to throw a party, but this was the most difficult one for me thus far. I look at her expanding belly, the stroller, the outfits and wish that all of that was me. But the thing that made me cry the hardest was to see her sweet husband put his hand on her belly and smile. I lost it. I want that for my husband. We are both the oldest children in the family, and we think by that means, we should be first. But I guess it doesn't work out that way all of the time. Needless to say, I have done more crying the past two days than I have in a long time. My eyes are swollen, my heart is aching....

I try to be positive, but it just isn't easy. I try to have faith, but I am left doubting so much. One of my favorite hymns is "Where Can I Turn for Peace?" I sing it in my head constantly:

Where can I turn for peace?Where is my solace,
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart, searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows, where when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? He, only One.

He answers privately, reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind, love without end.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Baby Shower

I have avoided baby showers like the plague. It is extremely difficult to celebrate for someone when your heart aches so much! When my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant, I thought my heart had literally fell out of my body. I am the happiest, proudest auntie in the entire world!! I love my little nieces (and soon to be nephew) more than life itself! I wouldn't change them for all of the money in the world! But it was a difficult announcement. We were supposed to be next! The next emotional part came when I found out they were having a boy! I thought "That is my boy! That was supposed to be me!" When it came time for the baby shower, everyone was very reserved about asking me to do anything. Everyone was worried about my feelings. I finally just said, "I'm doing the shower!"

I have bought and sent out invitations, bought a ton of stuff, made two diaper cakes, planned games, food, etc. and now the shower is this Sunday. I am such a control freak. At the time, it sounded like a good idea. As the shower sneaks up closer and closer I have a lot of anxiety. I love my sister-in-law deeply so I am hoping and praying it goes off without a hitch for her, and I am able to keep my composure for the shower!

I have dealt with depression so much of my life. I have been on and off medications, in and out of the hospital. I am working hard at regulating things chemically in my body. I just hurt so much of the time. I want so deeply for a family. I feel so stagnant, so stuck, so lost, so hurt! I want to feel the hope that so many of my TTC friends feel. (I know they work hard for that peace!) This has kinda been a complaining, whining post, but once in awhile, I think we all need that...just a moment to bear our souls. And now, I can try to move on.