Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Learning to Walk Again

I was over a week late and took so many pregnancy tests. Wouldn't ya know it that the day I leave for my brother's wedding is the day Aunt Flo decides to so kindly show her face? But it was wonderful none the less!(the wedding that is)

I was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints 14 years ago. Then, I felt as if I understood everything. The Gospel seemed so simple to my 13 year old mind. As I have gotten older, I have made things harder in my head for myself concerning the Gospel. As my infertility journey continues, I have found myself turning my back on my Heavenly Father, the one person who has never turned His back on me! I have been angry with Him, I have said things to Him that I wouldn't say to even just acquaintances. I am at a cross-roads in my life where I feel I need to make a very important decision: I can turn my back forever and choose to live in this pit of despair, or I can choose to run back to Him with open arms. Although the decision seems obvious, I have done a lot of contemplating on it. I chose the has not been easy to come back and say, "I'm sorry. Please, forgive me!"

I am only on the beginning of so many journeys in my life: this journey of finding my way back to Heavenly Father, finding/buying a home, infertility. I thought at this point in my life that I should have it all figured out. I have faith, even if it is very small right now, that I am on my way to where I need to be, that I am doing what I need to be doing. Every night, I get a text from my "brothers" reminding me to pray, and then I get a scripture reading assignment. Although this has only been going on 3 days, it has given me a shred of hope that Heavenly Father will hear my pleas, my cries of repentance, and open His arms to me to come back into the fold. The funny thing is, as I work harder on coming back to Him, I feel more trials being stacked upon me, some of these trials are just heart-wrenching and I ache horribly, but I cannot give up now. I made a promise and I will keep it. I am leaning heavily on some people to carry me, and I try to take baby steps, but I look forward to the day I can run with my head up, where nothing will stop me.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Newest Spring Fashion

It seems I can't even run to the grocery store without seeing several dozen women (I am NOT exaggerating on this number either!!) sporting the newest spring look. I have to admit, it looks fantastic and I only wish I could sport the same thing. It is the baby bump. It is so adorable! They waddle and I see them holding their low backs and struggling to figure out gravity with the new found life growing out in front of them. I am so thrilled for them and the excitement that lies in wait! But, I always get so jealous! I find myself sometimes getting bitter and angry and I usually just turn away. Does it ever get easier? Do I ever stop being jealous of what I can't have? How do I become "okay" with who I am...and who I am not?

PS...if you are reading this and expecting, please know that I love you dearly and I am excited for you! I have about 8 friends/family expecting in the next 4 months I am tickled for all of you!!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

My Buy-In

There is a multi-billion dollar industry out there that nearly every woman buys into at one point or another in her life. Some women are thrilled and excited about this buy-in while others are left devastated, hurt and broken because of this one little product. Some buy it discreetly, buying other unnecessary items to hide this particular one. Others have their friends purchase it so as not to be embarrassed, or they are just scared whatever the outcome will be. I'm not sure there are many men who go out searching for this product. I can see them standing in front of the many different choices, realizing what a daunting task lies in front of them.

Such is the story of a home pregnancy test. I fell slave to one of these again this week. I'm not sure why I torture myself so, but I was feeling all of the symptoms. No, I wasn't late, but I was nauseous, I almost threw up when I walked into the classroom because of all the smells my nose caught wind of, and I just overall didn't feel well. I thought, okay...I'm going to run to the store on lunch and test in the bathroom. I did. I drove as quickly as I could, ran inside (bought a salad so it wasn't the only thing in my hand when I checked out) and went back to the school. I hid inside my "favorite stall" and peed on the stick. I pretty much knew the results before I took the test, but a small, mustard size seed of hope was in the very back of my heart. I couldn't help but think of all the students who had been in the same situation I was in this bathroom, waiting for results, waiting to see how their lives would be changed. Alas, one line. Not pregnant. I didn't really feel anything, but almost immediately, I physically felt better.

It is such a strange thing. One little stick, a small amount of urine one a stick, can change your life forever. I don't really feel changed. I have been through the disappointment many, many times before. But I guess I just continue to wait. I am getting better at gaining some hope. My husband continues to pray and hold me and let me know that there is a grander plan, one that I cannot even fathom right now. The package had two in it, so if you need one, you can call me! :)