Friday, April 27, 2012

Infertility Awareness

One in eight women suffer from infertility, which means that 87.5% of the population have no problems getting pregnant.  I personally have friends say who have said to me, "We weren't even trying.  We were on three forms of birth control."  or "We just wash our underwear together and we are pregnant."  or my personal fave from a dear friend, "We just have to think about each other naked in bed and I am 'knocked up.'"

Some of us are not so lucky.  Some of us take our temperature and check our mucus and clear our schedules.  We endure appointment after appointment, pill after pill, test after test.....And then we endure those 87.5% saying things like, "You just have to relax."  or "Sometimes you just need to stop trying for it to happen." 

I am not angry and bitter at you.  I am not upset or jealous.  I am simply hurting.  My heart aches. I really feel we as women take our bodies for granted.  They are magnificent organisms created by a loving Heavenly Father for our use on this mortal journey.  Everything is so properly in place--arms with hands who opposable thumbs, ten toes to paint, legs with amazing muscles to move us, two ears and only one mouth--what a perfectly designed, well oiled temple our body is.  Sometimes, things just don't work right.  Even if all of the parts are there....they just don't work, sometimes without explanation.

So, please excuse me when I get up from the chapel while you are blessing your baby.  Or please don't be angry if I send my regrets for your baby shower.  It is not because I am not amazingly excited for you and your family.  I am!  I really am, but sometimes, the hurt is too much.  It isn't because I don't love you or am being selfish.  It is actually self preservation.

I have come across some amazing websites lately.  Please watch this video here on Infertility.   (you may need a tissue or 12)
I also love Ashley of Feigning Fertility.  She always says things exactly as I wish I could!  (and I don't think she knows I am "blog stalker" but I really love her!!  She is so real!)
And one more link for Resolve.  It is a website all about Infertility Awareness.

Please, I don't intend to offend.  I don't intend to hurt. 

I intend to educate.

I intend to vent.

I intend to share my tears and my journey...

Thursday, April 26, 2012

How do you title hurt?

Some days as an infertile woman just suck.
Yup.  I said it.  I went there.
I know, I don't usually, but it is just the way I feel in the moment.
You know, the day when that one more person told you they were pregnant and you put on your fake smile and hugged them and told them you were really excited for them but deep down, you are crying and aching. 

I cry because I am sad.
I laugh because I am happy.
I smile because that sweet little boy is smiling at me and I just can't help it. 
Gosh, I love him dearly and would love to give him a brother.

I am not good with words.  I have much to say, but just not sure how to say it.  We are winding down on Infertility Week and I have been trying to think of something profound to write all week.  Lots of things have crossed my mind, just nothing sounded right.  It still doesn't which is why I have probably erased the last 100 sentences I wrote.  So, I guess that is it for tonight.  Until then....

Monday, April 16, 2012

April 16

This is a day that will always hold a special place in my heart.
April 16 was the due date of my first pregnancy.
My child would be 5 years old this year.

It isn't something I talk about with anyone.  It is something I even bring up to my husband.  As this day passes every year, I say a prayer for the child that was once in me, even if just for a little while.  I have read and prayed and talked with a lot of people about miscarriages and I am not sure what I believe.  Some say it was your child who needed a more perfect body who later comes to earth through another pregnancy.  Some say you will have the opportunity to raise that child in heaven. I have heard they just needed a body, if only for a moment. The verdict is still out for me....

But nonetheless, I ache and hurt.  He would be going to kindergarten.  He would be talking and running and learning numbers and letters....But he didn't make it.  It didn't happen. I am grateful for the lives I carried before my sweet Tiny Baby was born because I think I appreciate him so much more.  I have heard, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before."  It doesn't make things any easier.

To my sweet spirit baby, I love you and I am grateful to have loved you.  I am grateful to have had you inside of me, if only for a few weeks.  You made me a mommy first.  You brought joy to our home and our lives.  Thank you for loving and choosing me.  Happy Birthday Baby!!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Duggars

I have always been a fan of the Duggar family since they came out with their first show, 16 kids and Counting. I just watched their final show of their season of 19 Kids and Counting and I cried.  Not like the Julia Roberts, wipe a tear and be good cry, but the all out bawl my eyes out, unsightly mabeline lines all over my face, snot dripping....yup, one of those cries.  Michelle was pregnant with her 20th child.  When she went in for her 20 week ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby, the tech couldn't find a heartbeat.  It was devastating for the entire family.  What Michelle kept saying really hit home with me, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh, blessed be the name of the Lord."  God has given me a precious, beautiful spirit in that of my Tiny Baby.  And I know the Lord could take him away when he sees fit.  I only hope and pray that I need him more on this side of the veil than God needs him on the other side. 

But what really struck me, more today than it has before, is I will be a mother to many children, whether it is now or later, whether it is here or on the other side.  Please understand, this doesn't necessarily make it any easier when I go to the zoo and everyone (and everything including every animal) is swollen with a belly but it gives me a bit of perspective.  The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh....

I wish I was a more elequant writer.  I wish that I could beautifully put down how I am feeling or thinking. But my tears are an expression of my thoughts.  My tears express volumes.....

Sunday, March 18, 2012

It's happening again

I have been worried about writing about my secondary infertility because of the looks or the comments I may receive.  "But you have a child.  That is more than some women will ever hope to have." And ya know what, you are right.  I am not being selfish.  I am ever so grateful for the AMAZING blessing of my sweet little boy.  I promised Heavenly Father that I would never take him for granted and I DON'T, but at the end of the day, this is my blog and I can freely write about how I am feeling. If  you read my main blog you would know that I don't take a moment for granted! onto the post...

I went to church today.  I love church!  I love church because of the amazing ward I am in.  They are so supportive.  They are all so kind.  But my ward is full of young, spunky PREGNANT women.  Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE them dearly!  I know several of them have struggled with getting pregnant themselves so I don't hate.  :)  It is just hard.  I am looking at the women at church and wishing it was me.  We went to the zoo yesterday and you know what I noticed?  All of the pregnant women!  *sigh*  I am nearly 30 (wow...I said it, it must really be true!) and I really thought I would be done before I was 35.  It scares me to think we may not even have #2 before that time!  6 years.  6 years it took me to get pregnant with Tiny Baby.  When I was younger, much younger, I pictured myself with 8 children.  But times have changed.  I think about my family and I see, dream, of 3 little boys.  3 perfect little boys.  But if I only get 1, gosh, he sure is perfect!!

Gosh, I love that boy!!  Thank you, Heavenly Father, for sending me such an amazing, perfect blessing.  If if be thy will, someday I would love to give him a brother.  If not, thanks for letting me be his mommy!!                                               

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Secondary Infertility

Nearly every couple who was pregnant with us is either expecting or just had thier second child.  It is really hard.  The questions have started to come up again, "When are you having another one?"  Wouldn't we like to know that too!  I enjoy every single second with my little guy.  I try not to take a single second for granted.  I hope it doesn't take us another 6 years to have another one, if we can even have another one.  I am so eternally grateful for the blessing my Heavenly Father has given me with my little Bug.  He makes me so happy!  I just hope we can give him a brother someday. 

Friday, August 19, 2011

It never ends

I have taken a break from posting on this blog because I had thought, "Well, I got pregnant and now I have a darling, sweet, perfect little boy, what right do I have to post on my infertility blog?"  And the truth is, it never ends.  Please, don't get me wrong.  I love my Bug so incredibly much and I absolutely do not take a single moment with him for granted!  I hold him and love on him and cuddle him and play with him.  This is NOT a pity party.  This is me expressing my thoughts.  I cannot believe he is 13 months old!  Where did the time go?

But in reality, inferility is peaking its ugly little head.  We are not/have not prevented pregnancy.  I have thought about having a second child since Bug was born.  I am constantly worrying about having another child.  I am constantly driving myself crazy about getting pregnant again.  I am almost 30 years old.  I was supposed to be done having children by the time I was 35.  It is crazy, emotional.  It never stops.  There is no, "I changed my  mind.  I chicken out of this roller coaster, I want off" place.  Here we are.  Here I am, standing on the precipice of craziness.