Monday, February 15, 2010

The Post I Never Thought Would Happen

Five years...
Five years of failed pregnancies, negative "pee on a stick tests," friends have multiple children, seeing lots of blessings and big bellies....

I never thought it would be me.

I made the comment to dh that with two dogs and our home, that our family felt complete. For the first time, I felt content with where we were, what we were doing.

One round of clomid, a lot of luck and prayers, and we conceived our miracle baby. This was seriously a post I never thought I would be typing. In fact, I have waited so long because I wasn't sure what the fate of my blog would be. I still don't know. But there are a few things I know for certain...

My heart aches for my dear friends still TTC. It can be a lonely journey. I have been there and I know. It doesn't matter if this is our only little one or if we have ten more, I can never forget where I have been. I can't stop crying because I know the pain, the sorrow, the heartache...and now, I am getting to experience the happiness, the anticipation, the excitement of an upcoming little one. I will NEVER understand the absolute injustice of infertility. And yes, I think it is an injustice. As second grade as it sounds, it is NOT fair. But I continue to learn from my journey.

I know that I relish in every moment of this pregnancy. I know that the sickness I STILL feel at 18 weeks is my baby growing. I know that the heartburn I have everyday is a good thing. I try not to complain too much because this is exactly what I wanted and I try to relish in every moment of it.

The fate of my blog is undecided. But I anticipate the next few months, the next few years, eternity, with my little one and my husband. I know prayers are answered, and it is not about our timing, it is not always our way.


  1. I am so happy for you Brander Bean. I hope that you get over your sickness so you can enjoy being pregnant a little more. Glad it is all going so well!

  2. For those of us who have suffered infertility, the pain never really goes away. It was a weird shift when I finally got pregnant. Suddenly I was supposed to look through the baby section at the store, not walk by and avert my eyes to keep from crying. I was probably 6 months pregnant before we bought much of anything for Carter. I just didn't want to get my hopes up that we had a baby on the way, just in case. I think it is a lot like the shift you go through after you get married. You know, hearing, "no, no, no" for 20+ years, to suddenly hearing "multiply and replenish."

    And...I don't know if this will effect you in the least, but I sure wasn't prepared for how traumatic Carter's blessing was for me. I was a basket case the morning before and I am so grateful that we didn't have anything planned before church. It was a weird situation. I wasn't sad, but it was very overwhelming to hear MY husband bless MY child, and to know that I would never have to sit through another blessing childless. Baby blessings aren't nearly as hard as they were during infertility, but I still feel a lot of emotion and have to hold my baby boy when I sit through one.

    Now is a great time of change. Both physically and emotionally. It is a time of healing. It really helps being able to talk with someone who suffered with and eventually beat infertility. I don't know what I would have done without my friend Kat during my pregnancy. She really helped me through that transition. I hope that you start feeling a bit better soon so that we can talk. Love ya!!

  3. Popping in from Feigning Fertility to wish you a BIG FAT congratulations!! That's so wonderful and I hope everything goes smoothly!!