Sunday, August 30, 2009

Blood Test #1

Almost two weeks ago I went in for my first of about four blood tests they take during various times in my cycle. The doctor called last week and said she wanted to talk to me. A million and one things went through my mind, but she was calling to tell me my progesterone levels were next to nothing, almost indetectable. So, plan of action: Continue with the tests. My cycle was supposed to start on Thursday, and here it is Sunday and no aunt flo! I am only hoping it happens soon as we are leaving on Friday for Kansas. Please, please come soon! (I don't think I have hoped that many other times in my life.)

As mentioned earlier, we are going to Kansas next weekend for my nephew's blessing. I am so nervous about this. I haven't been able to sit through a blessing for months on end. I cry andBut bawl and end up leaving every single blessing. And let me just tell you this: I don't look pretty crying. :) I am so excited for my sister-in-law and their new little arrival!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Annual

It was the annual "Scoot your butt down here" moment today. I don't really consider this to be the highlight of my year or something I really look forward to. I speak to my massage students about how extremely vulnerable their clients are, completely undressed underneath the sheet, not sure what to expect. I decided today this little appointment left me feel much for vulnerable than a massage! I sat in the room today, scantily clad in a cloak of thin, pink paper, open in the front of course, and a white "cover" of paper on the bottom. I sat for a good 35-40 minutes, naked, left alone with all of the thoughts in the world one might have in an OB/GYN office. With it being so quiet, I could hear the noise of ultrasound machines all around me. For the entire 40 minutes I sat waiting, I heard heartbeats, healthy, heartbeats of little babies growing in tummies. I had to cry. This is a sound I have yet to have the opportunity to hear. With our first baby, we went to hear the heartbeat and there was nothing. With the thought that I wasn't far enough along to hear a heartbeat, I had to wait another two weeks. Two weeks of not knowing what was going on, two weeks of worry. We went back, and there was no heartbeat. I am happy for those women who can hear the heartbeat of their little ones, but it was devastating to me where I am in life.
On another note, we have a plan to begin fertility testing again. The last two times we have begun testing, we have gotten pregnant. I have this strange cycle of things that I just realized today: I lose weight, begin testing, get pregnant, miscarry, and then gain my weight back. I really can't stand this cycle. So I am going to take my life into my hands.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

3 Negatives don't Equal a Positive

The last two times I have started infertility testing, I found out somewhere in the middle of it all that I was pregnant. I made an appointment two months ago for the earliest available annual exam and to talk to my doctor (again) about being very aggressive with testing and treatment. My appointment is this next week, and I have all sorts of emotions. However, something happened a few weeks ago that really added to my anxiety, my hurt, my craziness. I have been pretty regular with my period for years. However, this last month was different. Well the date came and I was armed with all of the arsenal one would need to get through the week. And she didn't come. I thought, I have been under a lot of stress, it is possible that it will just be late. Five days came and went and still, nothing. So, I did what anyone would do and bought a test. Negative. Still, cramping and continuing to be late, nothing. I was 11 days late...3 negative tests.

On the upside, I guess there is the appointment later in the week.