11 Days Late and Counting

I was so excited when I spoke to my Ob/Gyn and we spoke about starting Clomid. I was supposed to start around the 1st, but here it is, the 11th, and still no cycle beginning. I have tested over and over, but it just keeps coming out negative! It is super frustrating, but I suppose it is all part of the plan.

Dh and I are moved into out new home and we are so excited. I worry a lot about money but I worry a lot about everything really. Still hoping, still praying.

A glimmer of Hope

Just got a call from my doctor. Dh's test results came back good. His swimmers are strong and he has a normal amount of them. However, about 3% of them have an odd shape she said. She said they don't really get too much alarmed until the number is at 4%. So, we talked about options and we are going to do our first round of clomid. She said it increases our percentage of twins from 3% to 15% and I had to say "Yeah!" I have wanted twins my entire life. She said we will try clomid for 3 months and if we still haven't gotten pregnant, we would talk about insemination. This is the first time in a very long time I have felt a glimmer of hope. I am swimming in worry though. We just bought our first home and Matt is out of a job, but I have to trust in a greater, more divine plan. The last few weeks when we have been praying, I thank Heavenly Father for the blessings we have and I say something to the effect that I recognize that through Him, all things are possible. I also know that it is His timing, not mine.

Friends, if you have been on clomid is there anything I should expect out of the ordinary? Any strange side effects? Anything I should be worried about?

September has come and gone

I had a dream several months ago that I would be pregnant in September. I waited in anticipation all month hoping and praying that my dream to finally be a mother would come true. My heart breaks this morning as October peaks its head around September's doorstep. Another month come and gone. There are some nights I don't get off work until 11:00pm, so driving home next to midnight, there are some strange radio shows on. I remember hearing one about a dream analyzer and a woman called in with a dream of being pregnant, but for one reason or another, she absolutely could not, under any circumstance, get pregnant. (I think it was because she wasn't with anyone at the time). The dream analyzer told her pregnancy dreams just meant a new beginning. We had a new beginning this month with the new home, but I hoped deep down in my heart that there would be a baby to put in the room we are "saving" as a nursery.

I am working very hard to stay positive. I am working very hard on keeping my chin up and keeping the faith. There are good days, and there are bad days. At this point, the good still out number the bad.

Strange Purchase

We were driving to the office to close on our first home Thursday and we passed a garage sale. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that they have a brand new crib and gliding rocker for sale. "I wonder how much it is?" So, I send my 18 yr old brother in law down to look at them. "They are pretty much brand new, and the chair is comfortable." I called dh and he said to put them on hold. I paid $125 for a crib and rocker. What was I thinking? I don't have any babies and I am not pregnant, but I guess one can only hope. I just had to have them for some reason...once I saw them, I couldn't stop thinking of them. It can go down in the basement, out of sight, out of mind.

Exactly how long is four years?

Four years: The amount of time we have been trying to add to our family of two. What a tremendous amount of time!

Four years is equal to:

The amount of time it normally takes someone to earn a Bachelor's Degree

Two LDS missions

The amount of time between Olympic games

Amount of time the President of the United States is in office

Once every four years there are 29 days in February instead of only 28

48 months, equal to about 48 times I have had to look my DH in the eye to tell him, "Not this time."

A series of unfortunate events

I got a phone call yesterday from my dear sweet husband. It is one that a wife never hopes to receive. I was told through his tears that he lost his job. My heart immediately sank to the floor. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I am frightened. I am scared. I am worried. I just started reading my scriptures again on a regular basis about two weeks ago and I just got done reading Alma and Amulek and their encounters with Zeezrom. Zeezrom had a fever and wanted to be healed. Alma basically said, "Do you have faith that you will be healed?" Zeezrom answered with the affirmative. Something to the effect that I know through Heavenly Father all things are possible. I have faith that I will be healed.
How grateful I am that I just read that encounter. Through all of this I am extremely angry, but there is a strange peace that I am feeling. That verse keeps coming into my head. I know that through Him, all things are possible. I am not sure what the plan is right now, for this particular timing. We are two weeks away from closing on our home and smack dab in the middle of fertility testing. In my eyes, it really couldn't be at a more inopportune time, but I am trying to trust. I am trying to say, "You are in charge. I understand and believe you have a plan that is bigger than the plan I had for me, for us. I have to believe. I have to have faith!

Blood Test #2

My second blood test came back normal. What the heck is normal anyway? I have one more blood test to run and it will be 10 days after I ovulate. That is, assuming I even ovulate. The doctor wants to schedule a hysterossalpingogram (they shoot dye up into my ovaries and uterus to look for blockages) but we are waiting to hear about insurance. I missed the deadline for this month, so it is another month of waiting. I am really okay with that right now because I have so much going on in September. I have more posts brewing in my head, but for now, I feel good.