36. 36 cycles. (Give or take the few cycles I was actually pregnant and then miscarried). 36 times I have had to look at Matt and say, "Not this month." 36 cycles I have suffered in in physical pain, but more than that, emotional turmoil. 36 times I have thought, "Not again." February marks three years I have been off of birth control. I never would have started if I had thought for one second I couldn't concieve!
I have promised myself that through this journey, I would learn something. I have promised myself that I would come out a stronger woman with something to offer those around me. I don't feel like I can do that yet. I am doubting so many things about myself and the beliefs I have had practically my entire life. I feel as if I have fallen into a pit and I'm not entirely sure how to claw my way out. I want to scream for help, for someone to pull me up, but when I open my mouth, no sound exits. Even blogging about it makes me wonder the judgement people will pass. But that is a chance I have to take to release some pent up feelings.