36. 36 cycles. (Give or take the few cycles I was actually pregnant and then miscarried). 36 times I have had to look at Matt and say, "Not this month." 36 cycles I have suffered in in physical pain, but more than that, emotional turmoil. 36 times I have thought, "Not again." February marks three years I have been off of birth control. I never would have started if I had thought for one second I couldn't concieve!
I have promised myself that through this journey, I would learn something. I have promised myself that I would come out a stronger woman with something to offer those around me. I don't feel like I can do that yet. I am doubting so many things about myself and the beliefs I have had practically my entire life. I feel as if I have fallen into a pit and I'm not entirely sure how to claw my way out. I want to scream for help, for someone to pull me up, but when I open my mouth, no sound exits. Even blogging about it makes me wonder the judgement people will pass. But that is a chance I have to take to release some pent up feelings.
The judgers aren't really friends anyway. We all feel like that at some point if we are honest but if we just keep doing what we know we need to I know it gets better. In my darkest self hate and doubting moments nothing drastic ever gets me out. It's just the doing what I know deep down, somewhere, is right. Even if I can't find it at the time . . . . I hope that makes sense and I hope you know I love you and I'm behind you. Just don't give up, okay?
ReplyDelete36! Wow I am only at 13 and it still hurts! I cant imagine what you are going through. But know that you are certainly learning something and will have something to offer others even if you don't see it right now! And people dont judge you when you are struggling with something... all they want to do is help!
ReplyDeleteYou already have offered so much. It's not the end of the journey that will provide you with all of the wisdom to impart to others. You have shared your openness and feelings that others feel, but didn't know someone shared with them. You have made yourself open and vulnerable to help others understand you and that makes it easier for them to help you or listen because they have some kind of feeling of what you're going through. I'm sorry that it's hard. I hope that I have never hurt you by what I've said. I know that you're going to make it. I know that you're going to be carried through your most difficult times. I know that you're loved and surrounded by the Ones who love you most.
ReplyDeleteHey this is Jason Tonks wife I just wanted to tell how much I admire you for bearing your soul. We too had a rocky road to parenthood. Even though having Willem wasn't easy, he was our third pregnancy, I don't think there is anything I could say to ease your heartache. Hang in there! Being honest and open about the way you feel and sharing through a blog, I think, is an excellent way to release your feelings.
ReplyDelete"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, THEY COME" -Jeffrey R. Holland (Emphasis added)
ReplyDeleteThough at times all the things you KNOW, and everything that people say do nothing to heal your heart at the moment, in my experience, they can open a window to personal revelation at some point in time.
Hi there.. You don't know me either. I found your blog off of a friends blog and thought mabye I could help support you.. I have suffered through infertility for 10 1/2 years now. I'm at a different stage then you are. I have two boys. I have 4 year old that took 7 long years to get here through the miracle of IVF and I have a 11 month old miracle through adoption. It has been a long and dreay road for me and I'm not sure that I'm out of it yet. I don't think that my family is all here yet but I don't know if I can handle going through the IVF drug treatments again either.. If you want you can come check out my blog. I hope that you will be able to lean on people that have been where you are or are there now.. It helps to have people that know what you are going through. Take care. My name is Cindy
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