Treadmill of infertility

In college I remember going down to the little gym in my apartment complex and trying to run on the treadmill. I just never got the hang of it. I would stumble and fall all over. It was more work to try and stay on the darn machine than anything!

First, I had to figure out the mechanics of it all. Which buttons do what, where to put the emergency stop button, where to put my hands to get the best reading on heart-rate, and how to balance my body on the rotating belt while trying to burn calories. And so it is on my infertility journey. I am trying to figure out the mechanics of it all, where to put myself in the society of my church community, balancing myself on a tightrope of being so excited for everyone yet aching for my own lack. I am running, running, and going nowhere. I am being lapped by those who are on their own journey and going so many places, seeing so many beautiful things. And here I am, running fast, yet going no where fast. Sure, there are spectacular things on this journey too, but I guess I would rather be enjoying a different set of scenery.

It took me years to figure out how to successfully run on a treadmill. The important thing is I never gave up. I have watched others run so successfully, but I have never given up. I can run on a treadmill. I guess the important thing is that I am still running.