Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Announcement

I should have known from the moment I walked in the door that something was different about her. From the minute I met her, she always wore very stylish clothes, and when I saw her, she was wearing a black shirt, A-line with a tie in the back. I thought, "Man, that shirt makes her look pregnant." From that moment, I just prayed I was wrong. Oh please, let me be wrong. This isn't the proper order of things. It is my turn. It has to be my turn.

We got all lined up for pictures. It was a cold day so all 14 of us were crammed into the grand entryway. I was on the floor and my cute husband was on a chair behind me. She kept saying, "I want one normal picture. Just one normal picture first." I didn't think anything of it. We are a large family with a large sense of humor, so her saying she wanted a normal picture didn't phase me at all. All lined up, looking our best, the timer set, she ran back from behind the camera to take her spot in the back. And then the announcement shouted from her husband, "Amber is pregnant!!!!" My heart sank. My fears were confirmed. They had been married two years, us four. Everyone knew we had been trying, trying, miscarrying. Why this way? I stuck through it...well, some of it. I said my congratulations. I took a few more pictures, and then tears began to well in my eyes. Of course, I am so happy for them. I am the proudest aunt you will ever meet, and I am excited to add more to that, but I just wasn't ready, I wasn't prepared for the heartache it would cause.

I wanted to run outside, but with 13 people blocking the doorway, there was no way I could get out safely. So I went to the back of the house and just stood there crying, sobbing uncontrollably. I know it wasn't long before my mother-in-law came in and just hugged me. She always has the sweetest words that seem to soothe the suffering heart, and this time was no different. But I could not get myself under control. I wanted to scream. Of course, I'm happy, but it wasn't supposed to be like this!

I never really calmed down. I can fake it really well, even now. I'm infertile. I can't give my husband the one thing he wants more than oxygen, more than anything else. And so I put on my happy face, I don't let anyone around me see the pain inside. I have worked my entire life stuffing away my true emotions, and this time is no different.

9 comments:

  1. I'm sorry Brandy. I didn't know Amber was pregnant. It is the hardest thing when a younger sibling, married for less time, announces a pregnancy. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  2. I will be watching your blog. I know how hard it is, my brother-in-law and his wife are expecting baby #2, they have only been married for 2+ years, James and I, going on 7 years. They announced it to us on Christmas day. They literally called us and said, "We are calling to give you your christmas present! We are expecting again!" On what planet is the news that THEY are expecting a Christmas Present for us? Who in their right mind gives that kind of news to an infertile couple on Christmas Day? It totally ruined my Christmas. I am happy for them, but it is SO HARD.
    I love you Brandy, Keep your chin up.
    Love, Stephanie

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  3. Oh, Brandy. I'm so sorry. Of course, you're happy for them. You are everyone's #1 fan, but it would be nice for them to be your fan, I'm sure. You have done so much for a long time for others and very little returns to you. You have such a good attitude about expressing what you go through during this journey. Thanks for sharing.

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  4. although we haven't been trying even a full year yet, I understand. I have had at least 4 or 5 women in my life become pregnant since we have been trying since last June. It just feels like...the world is passing you by. But I still feel like I need to wait for my back. But if all conditions were right, it would be completely devestating. I love you Brandy. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Great idea to start a new blog. =)

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  5. Hi Sweetie,
    I wish I was there to give you hug. You are in my prayers.
    Loves,
    Tara

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  6. I just saw your post on the other blog about this site. Brandy I want to rush there and just hug and cry with you! My heart aches for you! You were there for me during my time of need and I wish so badly I could do more for you. Let me know if someone many miles away can do something more than thoughts and prayers.

    We love you tons and tons.

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  7. I am sorry that you get to be the one to go through this pain. I'm sure there is nothing like it. I wish there was something we could do for you beside keep you in our prayers. I love that you are willing to open up about this, You are a very strong girl and you will be blessed for that!

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  8. I"m so sorry Brandy, this has happened to me too and it still doesn't dull the pain. Last Summer, my family came to visit us and it came out that my little sister was pregnant. They had been married 5 months. My littlest sister who was 9 said, "How can that be? Valerie been married a lot longer than Kimberly. Valerie should be pregnant before Kimberly." I wish that was the order of things but it isn't. Chin up.

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