Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Baby Shower

I have avoided baby showers like the plague. It is extremely difficult to celebrate for someone when your heart aches so much! When my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant, I thought my heart had literally fell out of my body. I am the happiest, proudest auntie in the entire world!! I love my little nieces (and soon to be nephew) more than life itself! I wouldn't change them for all of the money in the world! But it was a difficult announcement. We were supposed to be next! The next emotional part came when I found out they were having a boy! I thought "That is my boy! That was supposed to be me!" When it came time for the baby shower, everyone was very reserved about asking me to do anything. Everyone was worried about my feelings. I finally just said, "I'm doing the shower!"

I have bought and sent out invitations, bought a ton of stuff, made two diaper cakes, planned games, food, etc. and now the shower is this Sunday. I am such a control freak. At the time, it sounded like a good idea. As the shower sneaks up closer and closer I have a lot of anxiety. I love my sister-in-law deeply so I am hoping and praying it goes off without a hitch for her, and I am able to keep my composure for the shower!

I have dealt with depression so much of my life. I have been on and off medications, in and out of the hospital. I am working hard at regulating things chemically in my body. I just hurt so much of the time. I want so deeply for a family. I feel so stagnant, so stuck, so lost, so hurt! I want to feel the hope that so many of my TTC friends feel. (I know they work hard for that peace!) This has kinda been a complaining, whining post, but once in awhile, I think we all need that...just a moment to bear our souls. And now, I can try to move on.

3 comments:

  1. Wow, I could not do that from my in-laws. I am proud of you that you think you can do that. I love making diaper cakes! I made my first one for my nephew (which also somehow was my first baby shower). I thought it would make things easier and it kind of did. I have recently found some more projects I want to try out with this new nephew coming. Lollipop displays (burp clothes) and sock roses. I have links to them on my blog in the left side bar if you want to check them out. I am also in the midst of crocheting baby blanket edges for 3 expectant mothers all of which are expecting their 2nd baby. Sigh, wish I could be one of those potential mothers...
    Good luck with the baby shower, I hope it goes well and I hope you handle the emotions well.

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  2. You are amazing to be dealing with so much all of the time. Depression is hard enough. I love you and so look up to you! And complaining is good... it can release the heartache to know that at least someone else is listening.

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