I have avoided baby showers like the plague. It is extremely difficult to celebrate for someone when your heart aches so much! When my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant, I thought my heart had literally fell out of my body. I am the happiest, proudest auntie in the entire world!! I love my little nieces (and soon to be nephew) more than life itself! I wouldn't change them for all of the money in the world! But it was a difficult announcement. We were supposed to be next! The next emotional part came when I found out they were having a boy! I thought "That is my boy! That was supposed to be me!" When it came time for the baby shower, everyone was very reserved about asking me to do anything. Everyone was worried about my feelings. I finally just said, "I'm doing the shower!"
I have bought and sent out invitations, bought a ton of stuff, made two diaper cakes, planned games, food, etc. and now the shower is this Sunday. I am such a control freak. At the time, it sounded like a good idea. As the shower sneaks up closer and closer I have a lot of anxiety. I love my sister-in-law deeply so I am hoping and praying it goes off without a hitch for her, and I am able to keep my composure for the shower!
I have dealt with depression so much of my life. I have been on and off medications, in and out of the hospital. I am working hard at regulating things chemically in my body. I just hurt so much of the time. I want so deeply for a family. I feel so stagnant, so stuck, so lost, so hurt! I want to feel the hope that so many of my TTC friends feel. (I know they work hard for that peace!) This has kinda been a complaining, whining post, but once in awhile, I think we all need that...just a moment to bear our souls. And now, I can try to move on.