I find myself saying strange, silly things all the time to people around me. Things like, "Well, I am just going to be the best Aunt in the entire world for my nieces and nephews." or "Hubby and I have decided to take advantage of the time with just the two of us and travel and just do all sorts of things, just the two of us." I came to a realization yesterday that I say these things to try and dull the pain of those around me. Friends, family...they don't really know what to say. I can't say as if I blame them! Being the caretaker I am, I try to make sure everyone around me, at all times, is comfortable and happy. Will I ever put myself first?
On another note, the baby shower for my dear sweet sister-in-law was yesterday. My other sis-in-law and I were in charge. Everyone commented on how amazing it was and what great fun they had. I love to throw a party, but this was the most difficult one for me thus far. I look at her expanding belly, the stroller, the outfits and wish that all of that was me. But the thing that made me cry the hardest was to see her sweet husband put his hand on her belly and smile. I lost it. I want that for my husband. We are both the oldest children in the family, and we think by that means, we should be first. But I guess it doesn't work out that way all of the time. Needless to say, I have done more crying the past two days than I have in a long time. My eyes are swollen, my heart is aching....
I try to be positive, but it just isn't easy. I try to have faith, but I am left doubting so much. One of my favorite hymns is "Where Can I Turn for Peace?" I sing it in my head constantly:
Where can I turn for peace?Where is my solace,
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart, searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows, where when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? He, only One.
He answers privately, reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind, love without end.