Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Learning to Walk Again

I was over a week late and took so many pregnancy tests. Wouldn't ya know it that the day I leave for my brother's wedding is the day Aunt Flo decides to so kindly show her face? But it was wonderful none the less!(the wedding that is)

I was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints 14 years ago. Then, I felt as if I understood everything. The Gospel seemed so simple to my 13 year old mind. As I have gotten older, I have made things harder in my head for myself concerning the Gospel. As my infertility journey continues, I have found myself turning my back on my Heavenly Father, the one person who has never turned His back on me! I have been angry with Him, I have said things to Him that I wouldn't say to even just acquaintances. I am at a cross-roads in my life where I feel I need to make a very important decision: I can turn my back forever and choose to live in this pit of despair, or I can choose to run back to Him with open arms. Although the decision seems obvious, I have done a lot of contemplating on it. I chose the latter....it has not been easy to come back and say, "I'm sorry. Please, forgive me!"

I am only on the beginning of so many journeys in my life: this journey of finding my way back to Heavenly Father, finding/buying a home, infertility. I thought at this point in my life that I should have it all figured out. I have faith, even if it is very small right now, that I am on my way to where I need to be, that I am doing what I need to be doing. Every night, I get a text from my "brothers" reminding me to pray, and then I get a scripture reading assignment. Although this has only been going on 3 days, it has given me a shred of hope that Heavenly Father will hear my pleas, my cries of repentance, and open His arms to me to come back into the fold. The funny thing is, as I work harder on coming back to Him, I feel more trials being stacked upon me, some of these trials are just heart-wrenching and I ache horribly, but I cannot give up now. I made a promise and I will keep it. I am leaning heavily on some people to carry me, and I try to take baby steps, but I look forward to the day I can run with my head up, where nothing will stop me.

7 comments:

  1. You'll make it. Just keep on going.

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  2. I love you, Brandy. Hold on tight to the faith you have. Sending you hug. Wish I could give you one in person.

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  3. I love you Brandy and I know a little how you feel. I could never know exactly 'cuz I'm not you but I can tell you that Satan would do anything to stop a wonderful person like you getting where you need to be and to a happy place. Keep pushing and you'll get there because Heavenly Father is the only one that can help you really be happy (I learned that one the hard way). Keep it up and call if you ever need to vent. I want to hear how you are.

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  4. You are so strong. Isn't it crazy how simple the gospel seemed when we were young, but it seems to get more complicated as we get older? I completely know what you mean. I wish I could give you a hug. Hang in there, you are amazing!!! HUGS!!!!!!

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  5. You are so amazing! I don't know if I could publicly state how hard life can get and how hard it is to stay faithful! Just admitting that is wonderful and shows you have more faith than you think - to put all your feelings out for everyone to read. Keep on keeping on - the Lord does love you, as do SOOO many people - probably more than you realize!

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  6. I so am ready to take a road trip to meet you and hug the stuffing out of you. You are constantly in my prayers.

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