Learning to Walk Again

I was over a week late and took so many pregnancy tests. Wouldn't ya know it that the day I leave for my brother's wedding is the day Aunt Flo decides to so kindly show her face? But it was wonderful none the less!(the wedding that is)

I was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints 14 years ago. Then, I felt as if I understood everything. The Gospel seemed so simple to my 13 year old mind. As I have gotten older, I have made things harder in my head for myself concerning the Gospel. As my infertility journey continues, I have found myself turning my back on my Heavenly Father, the one person who has never turned His back on me! I have been angry with Him, I have said things to Him that I wouldn't say to even just acquaintances. I am at a cross-roads in my life where I feel I need to make a very important decision: I can turn my back forever and choose to live in this pit of despair, or I can choose to run back to Him with open arms. Although the decision seems obvious, I have done a lot of contemplating on it. I chose the latter....it has not been easy to come back and say, "I'm sorry. Please, forgive me!"

I am only on the beginning of so many journeys in my life: this journey of finding my way back to Heavenly Father, finding/buying a home, infertility. I thought at this point in my life that I should have it all figured out. I have faith, even if it is very small right now, that I am on my way to where I need to be, that I am doing what I need to be doing. Every night, I get a text from my "brothers" reminding me to pray, and then I get a scripture reading assignment. Although this has only been going on 3 days, it has given me a shred of hope that Heavenly Father will hear my pleas, my cries of repentance, and open His arms to me to come back into the fold. The funny thing is, as I work harder on coming back to Him, I feel more trials being stacked upon me, some of these trials are just heart-wrenching and I ache horribly, but I cannot give up now. I made a promise and I will keep it. I am leaning heavily on some people to carry me, and I try to take baby steps, but I look forward to the day I can run with my head up, where nothing will stop me.