Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The Annual

It was the annual "Scoot your butt down here" moment today. I don't really consider this to be the highlight of my year or something I really look forward to. I speak to my massage students about how extremely vulnerable their clients are, completely undressed underneath the sheet, not sure what to expect. I decided today this little appointment left me feel much for vulnerable than a massage! I sat in the room today, scantily clad in a cloak of thin, pink paper, open in the front of course, and a white "cover" of paper on the bottom. I sat for a good 35-40 minutes, naked, left alone with all of the thoughts in the world one might have in an OB/GYN office. With it being so quiet, I could hear the noise of ultrasound machines all around me. For the entire 40 minutes I sat waiting, I heard heartbeats, healthy, heartbeats of little babies growing in tummies. I had to cry. This is a sound I have yet to have the opportunity to hear. With our first baby, we went to hear the heartbeat and there was nothing. With the thought that I wasn't far enough along to hear a heartbeat, I had to wait another two weeks. Two weeks of not knowing what was going on, two weeks of worry. We went back, and there was no heartbeat. I am happy for those women who can hear the heartbeat of their little ones, but it was devastating to me where I am in life.
On another note, we have a plan to begin fertility testing again. The last two times we have begun testing, we have gotten pregnant. I have this strange cycle of things that I just realized today: I lose weight, begin testing, get pregnant, miscarry, and then gain my weight back. I really can't stand this cycle. So I am going to take my life into my hands.

3 comments:

  1. congrats on making it in there~ I know I sure hated going to the OBGYN and seeing all those ladies pregnant! But I am so happy you are starting the testing again. With answers to what is wrong things are always much eaiser to handle! let me know if you need anything... advice or to listen. Having been there I truely understand!

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  2. I had amoment like that this week too. A coworker went in for her first ultrasound and showed us all the pictures. Then my sister in-law went in for her 3D ultrasound and brought the pictures to work. It took all I had to not beg to go with her when I learned of the appt.
    I hope the treatments work this time. You will be in my prayers.

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  3. Oh Brand! I'm so sorry that you have to experience this. I wish I could say something that could help but I can't. Just know that I love you and admire your faith and courage and I'm praying for you.

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