I have recently come across blogs of more amazing women TTC. It is amazing to me where we all are in our journeys, and I realize, I have only begun. Today, I sat in church and watched two babies being blessed. And I cried. And I cried. And I cried. When I tried to control it, I cried some more. I am more than happy for these lovely families, but my heart aches for my own disappointment.
So I am writing today, reaching out to all of the amazing women who have been, or are going through, this journey, this battle, this struggle of infertility. I am pleading and begging for some help and advice. How do you do it? How are you strong day after day, month after month, year after year? What gets you through? I really hate complaining, but I am scraping the bottom of the barrel. We have this network out there of super amazing, strong, beautiful women and I would love to hear how you do it because my friends, I am not doing it so strongly right now.
I spoke to my friend this morning and told her I felt like I had bi-polar infertility. One moment I am perfectly fine just being the best aunt out there, and the next moment I can't even stand to be around an expectant mother. I need there to be more good days than bad.
Infertility will always be a part of you. Sometimes it will be the most prominent thing in your life and sometimes you will be able to tuck it away and not let it bother you. Someone once said that it is your personal "friend". You can go months without hearing from it and then something (like a blessing, baby shower, announcement) will trigger it and it will latch onto your heart. Hopefully you can get to the point where you can say "Hello, old friend, it's been a while" take a moment to mourn and then hopefully tuck it away until next time. I think I have that article on my computer. If you want to email me at sourbonk@yahoo.com I'll see if I can find it and email it to you.
ReplyDeleteFor me personally, I literally had to reach bottom rock bottom before I could get better. Unfortunately for me, that meant I had to cut just about everyone in my life, because I didn't think they cared. I damaged relationships and lost friends and hurt feelings. I really can't say when I started to get better, but it was this spring. I was just so sick of being miserable. My nephew was 2 and I didn't know him at all (he lives in our ward!) and he is going to be a big brother in a month. I felt so guilty that I had built a wall around me and I was missing out on so much. I was scared that someday he would ask his parents why his aunt didn't like him and I didn't like that about myself. So I basically forced myself to be happy, especially around family. For me, it helped. I hope that makes sense.
I've also learned to be more aware of my feelings and emotions. If I feel like I can't handle something, or if I might turn out angry and grumpy, I don't go to things. That way I don't feel like I need to keep on a happy face while my heart is breaking and if I'm not around anyone then I can't say hurtful things.
Have you heard of the yahoo group 2ofus4now.org? They are a group of women who are infertile. I have found a ton of strength from them. I have an infertile blog at http://because-i-cant-have-babies.blogspot.com. I don't think it is much, but in the sidebar I have a list of some infertile blogs that I get a ton of strength from if you want to check them out.
Okay, I guess it was just a great quote I was thinking about. I just posted it along with a few others at http://because-i-cant-have-babies.blogspot.com/2009/07/thoughts-on-infertility.html. I also have a few more articles that I will try to highlight there over the next few weeks. I also asked this same question on my blog to see what kind of answers I get so you get double the exposure.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry Brandy. My heart aches for you because you are an amazing woman with the potential to be an amazing mother of your own children! I can't give you any advice. All I can say is that I love you and you are in my thoughts and prayers!
ReplyDeleteI have to say that the thing that always helped me through our struggle was to remember a talk I heard that say until we are content with what we have we will not get what is in store for us! I hope you get through this hard time in your life and let me know if you need anything!
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