Dear Friend,

My heart aches for you because...I have been there.

When I heard you lost your second little one to a miscarriage last week, my heart ached. I cried and shed many tears for you. I wish that I could take you in my arms and hold you. I wish that I could give you permission to cry, to be angry. Those are okay emotions to feel. I wish I could tell you that your time will come too. I want to make it better, easier for you. I want you to be able to smile again, but please know, it is okay to hurt.

I love you dearly. I know you don't know me, but it is important for me to tell you, you are in my prayers. You are a special spirit daughter of God and although it may not seem like it, He has a grand, divine plan for you! The road is never easy and I recognize that. I know that there is nothing I can say that will make it easier for you. I know that words are often meaningless, but know that I am praying, and crying, with you!

The Post I Never Thought Would Happen

Five years...
Five years of failed pregnancies, negative "pee on a stick tests," friends have multiple children, seeing lots of blessings and big bellies....

I never thought it would be me.

I made the comment to dh that with two dogs and our home, that our family felt complete. For the first time, I felt content with where we were, what we were doing.

One round of clomid, a lot of luck and prayers, and we conceived our miracle baby. This was seriously a post I never thought I would be typing. In fact, I have waited so long because I wasn't sure what the fate of my blog would be. I still don't know. But there are a few things I know for certain...

My heart aches for my dear friends still TTC. It can be a lonely journey. I have been there and I know. It doesn't matter if this is our only little one or if we have ten more, I can never forget where I have been. I can't stop crying because I know the pain, the sorrow, the heartache...and now, I am getting to experience the happiness, the anticipation, the excitement of an upcoming little one. I will NEVER understand the absolute injustice of infertility. And yes, I think it is an injustice. As second grade as it sounds, it is NOT fair. But I continue to learn from my journey.

I know that I relish in every moment of this pregnancy. I know that the sickness I STILL feel at 18 weeks is my baby growing. I know that the heartburn I have everyday is a good thing. I try not to complain too much because this is exactly what I wanted and I try to relish in every moment of it.

The fate of my blog is undecided. But I anticipate the next few months, the next few years, eternity, with my little one and my husband. I know prayers are answered, and it is not about our timing, it is not always our way.

Clomid

Well, I ended up being 15 days late!
But after those fifteen days, I started clomid. It was no walk in the park! My friends, you were not lying when you said it could cause mood swings. I felt like I was on the verge of crying every minute. I was super weepy. And my second side effect was HOT FLASHES! They were so random and so crazy. I would be up teaching a class and all of sudden, start sweating and fanning myself. Wow...I am not sure I am ready for children. All of the trying, all of the waiting, and I am having second thoughts, huge worries! I have heard it say that no one is ever really ready, but I don't feel physically, emotionally, financially ready. I still just trust in a bigger plan.

We don't have Internet set up at our home yet, so it is only occasionally I get to blog. Man, I miss it! Hopefully, a longer update soon!

11 Days Late and Counting

I was so excited when I spoke to my Ob/Gyn and we spoke about starting Clomid. I was supposed to start around the 1st, but here it is, the 11th, and still no cycle beginning. I have tested over and over, but it just keeps coming out negative! It is super frustrating, but I suppose it is all part of the plan.

Dh and I are moved into out new home and we are so excited. I worry a lot about money but I worry a lot about everything really. Still hoping, still praying.

A glimmer of Hope

Just got a call from my doctor. Dh's test results came back good. His swimmers are strong and he has a normal amount of them. However, about 3% of them have an odd shape she said. She said they don't really get too much alarmed until the number is at 4%. So, we talked about options and we are going to do our first round of clomid. She said it increases our percentage of twins from 3% to 15% and I had to say "Yeah!" I have wanted twins my entire life. She said we will try clomid for 3 months and if we still haven't gotten pregnant, we would talk about insemination. This is the first time in a very long time I have felt a glimmer of hope. I am swimming in worry though. We just bought our first home and Matt is out of a job, but I have to trust in a greater, more divine plan. The last few weeks when we have been praying, I thank Heavenly Father for the blessings we have and I say something to the effect that I recognize that through Him, all things are possible. I also know that it is His timing, not mine.

Friends, if you have been on clomid is there anything I should expect out of the ordinary? Any strange side effects? Anything I should be worried about?

September has come and gone

I had a dream several months ago that I would be pregnant in September. I waited in anticipation all month hoping and praying that my dream to finally be a mother would come true. My heart breaks this morning as October peaks its head around September's doorstep. Another month come and gone. There are some nights I don't get off work until 11:00pm, so driving home next to midnight, there are some strange radio shows on. I remember hearing one about a dream analyzer and a woman called in with a dream of being pregnant, but for one reason or another, she absolutely could not, under any circumstance, get pregnant. (I think it was because she wasn't with anyone at the time). The dream analyzer told her pregnancy dreams just meant a new beginning. We had a new beginning this month with the new home, but I hoped deep down in my heart that there would be a baby to put in the room we are "saving" as a nursery.

I am working very hard to stay positive. I am working very hard on keeping my chin up and keeping the faith. There are good days, and there are bad days. At this point, the good still out number the bad.

Strange Purchase

We were driving to the office to close on our first home Thursday and we passed a garage sale. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that they have a brand new crib and gliding rocker for sale. "I wonder how much it is?" So, I send my 18 yr old brother in law down to look at them. "They are pretty much brand new, and the chair is comfortable." I called dh and he said to put them on hold. I paid $125 for a crib and rocker. What was I thinking? I don't have any babies and I am not pregnant, but I guess one can only hope. I just had to have them for some reason...once I saw them, I couldn't stop thinking of them. It can go down in the basement, out of sight, out of mind.