Exactly how long is four years?

Four years: The amount of time we have been trying to add to our family of two. What a tremendous amount of time!

Four years is equal to:

The amount of time it normally takes someone to earn a Bachelor's Degree

Two LDS missions

The amount of time between Olympic games

Amount of time the President of the United States is in office

Once every four years there are 29 days in February instead of only 28

48 months, equal to about 48 times I have had to look my DH in the eye to tell him, "Not this time."

A series of unfortunate events

I got a phone call yesterday from my dear sweet husband. It is one that a wife never hopes to receive. I was told through his tears that he lost his job. My heart immediately sank to the floor. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I am frightened. I am scared. I am worried. I just started reading my scriptures again on a regular basis about two weeks ago and I just got done reading Alma and Amulek and their encounters with Zeezrom. Zeezrom had a fever and wanted to be healed. Alma basically said, "Do you have faith that you will be healed?" Zeezrom answered with the affirmative. Something to the effect that I know through Heavenly Father all things are possible. I have faith that I will be healed.
How grateful I am that I just read that encounter. Through all of this I am extremely angry, but there is a strange peace that I am feeling. That verse keeps coming into my head. I know that through Him, all things are possible. I am not sure what the plan is right now, for this particular timing. We are two weeks away from closing on our home and smack dab in the middle of fertility testing. In my eyes, it really couldn't be at a more inopportune time, but I am trying to trust. I am trying to say, "You are in charge. I understand and believe you have a plan that is bigger than the plan I had for me, for us. I have to believe. I have to have faith!

Blood Test #2

My second blood test came back normal. What the heck is normal anyway? I have one more blood test to run and it will be 10 days after I ovulate. That is, assuming I even ovulate. The doctor wants to schedule a hysterossalpingogram (they shoot dye up into my ovaries and uterus to look for blockages) but we are waiting to hear about insurance. I missed the deadline for this month, so it is another month of waiting. I am really okay with that right now because I have so much going on in September. I have more posts brewing in my head, but for now, I feel good.

Blood Test #1

Almost two weeks ago I went in for my first of about four blood tests they take during various times in my cycle. The doctor called last week and said she wanted to talk to me. A million and one things went through my mind, but she was calling to tell me my progesterone levels were next to nothing, almost indetectable. So, plan of action: Continue with the tests. My cycle was supposed to start on Thursday, and here it is Sunday and no aunt flo! I am only hoping it happens soon as we are leaving on Friday for Kansas. Please, please come soon! (I don't think I have hoped that many other times in my life.)

As mentioned earlier, we are going to Kansas next weekend for my nephew's blessing. I am so nervous about this. I haven't been able to sit through a blessing for months on end. I cry andBut bawl and end up leaving every single blessing. And let me just tell you this: I don't look pretty crying. :) I am so excited for my sister-in-law and their new little arrival!

The Annual

It was the annual "Scoot your butt down here" moment today. I don't really consider this to be the highlight of my year or something I really look forward to. I speak to my massage students about how extremely vulnerable their clients are, completely undressed underneath the sheet, not sure what to expect. I decided today this little appointment left me feel much for vulnerable than a massage! I sat in the room today, scantily clad in a cloak of thin, pink paper, open in the front of course, and a white "cover" of paper on the bottom. I sat for a good 35-40 minutes, naked, left alone with all of the thoughts in the world one might have in an OB/GYN office. With it being so quiet, I could hear the noise of ultrasound machines all around me. For the entire 40 minutes I sat waiting, I heard heartbeats, healthy, heartbeats of little babies growing in tummies. I had to cry. This is a sound I have yet to have the opportunity to hear. With our first baby, we went to hear the heartbeat and there was nothing. With the thought that I wasn't far enough along to hear a heartbeat, I had to wait another two weeks. Two weeks of not knowing what was going on, two weeks of worry. We went back, and there was no heartbeat. I am happy for those women who can hear the heartbeat of their little ones, but it was devastating to me where I am in life.
On another note, we have a plan to begin fertility testing again. The last two times we have begun testing, we have gotten pregnant. I have this strange cycle of things that I just realized today: I lose weight, begin testing, get pregnant, miscarry, and then gain my weight back. I really can't stand this cycle. So I am going to take my life into my hands.

3 Negatives don't Equal a Positive

The last two times I have started infertility testing, I found out somewhere in the middle of it all that I was pregnant. I made an appointment two months ago for the earliest available annual exam and to talk to my doctor (again) about being very aggressive with testing and treatment. My appointment is this next week, and I have all sorts of emotions. However, something happened a few weeks ago that really added to my anxiety, my hurt, my craziness. I have been pretty regular with my period for years. However, this last month was different. Well the date came and I was armed with all of the arsenal one would need to get through the week. And she didn't come. I thought, I have been under a lot of stress, it is possible that it will just be late. Five days came and went and still, nothing. So, I did what anyone would do and bought a test. Negative. Still, cramping and continuing to be late, nothing. I was 11 days late...3 negative tests.

On the upside, I guess there is the appointment later in the week.

I need some advice Please

I have recently come across blogs of more amazing women TTC. It is amazing to me where we all are in our journeys, and I realize, I have only begun. Today, I sat in church and watched two babies being blessed. And I cried. And I cried. And I cried. When I tried to control it, I cried some more. I am more than happy for these lovely families, but my heart aches for my own disappointment.

So I am writing today, reaching out to all of the amazing women who have been, or are going through, this journey, this battle, this struggle of infertility. I am pleading and begging for some help and advice. How do you do it? How are you strong day after day, month after month, year after year? What gets you through? I really hate complaining, but I am scraping the bottom of the barrel. We have this network out there of super amazing, strong, beautiful women and I would love to hear how you do it because my friends, I am not doing it so strongly right now.

I spoke to my friend this morning and told her I felt like I had bi-polar infertility. One moment I am perfectly fine just being the best aunt out there, and the next moment I can't even stand to be around an expectant mother. I need there to be more good days than bad.