Infertility Awareness

One in eight women suffer from infertility, which means that 87.5% of the population have no problems getting pregnant.  I personally have friends say who have said to me, "We weren't even trying.  We were on three forms of birth control."  or "We just wash our underwear together and we are pregnant."  or my personal fave from a dear friend, "We just have to think about each other naked in bed and I am 'knocked up.'"

Some of us are not so lucky.  Some of us take our temperature and check our mucus and clear our schedules.  We endure appointment after appointment, pill after pill, test after test.....And then we endure those 87.5% saying things like, "You just have to relax."  or "Sometimes you just need to stop trying for it to happen." 

I am not angry and bitter at you.  I am not upset or jealous.  I am simply hurting.  My heart aches. I really feel we as women take our bodies for granted.  They are magnificent organisms created by a loving Heavenly Father for our use on this mortal journey.  Everything is so properly in place--arms with hands who opposable thumbs, ten toes to paint, legs with amazing muscles to move us, two ears and only one mouth--what a perfectly designed, well oiled temple our body is.  Sometimes, things just don't work right.  Even if all of the parts are there....they just don't work, sometimes without explanation.

So, please excuse me when I get up from the chapel while you are blessing your baby.  Or please don't be angry if I send my regrets for your baby shower.  It is not because I am not amazingly excited for you and your family.  I am!  I really am, but sometimes, the hurt is too much.  It isn't because I don't love you or am being selfish.  It is actually self preservation.

I have come across some amazing websites lately.  Please watch this video here on Infertility.   (you may need a tissue or 12)
I also love Ashley of Feigning Fertility.  She always says things exactly as I wish I could!  (and I don't think she knows I am "blog stalker" but I really love her!!  She is so real!)
And one more link for Resolve.  It is a website all about Infertility Awareness.

Please, I don't intend to offend.  I don't intend to hurt. 

I intend to educate.

I intend to vent.

I intend to share my tears and my journey...

How do you title hurt?

Some days as an infertile woman just suck.
Yup.  I said it.  I went there.
I know, I don't usually, but it is just the way I feel in the moment.
You know, the day when that one more person told you they were pregnant and you put on your fake smile and hugged them and told them you were really excited for them but deep down, you are crying and aching. 

I cry because I am sad.
I laugh because I am happy.
I smile because that sweet little boy is smiling at me and I just can't help it. 
Gosh, I love him dearly and would love to give him a brother.

I am not good with words.  I have much to say, but just not sure how to say it.  We are winding down on Infertility Week and I have been trying to think of something profound to write all week.  Lots of things have crossed my mind, just nothing sounded right.  It still doesn't which is why I have probably erased the last 100 sentences I wrote.  So, I guess that is it for tonight.  Until then....

April 16

This is a day that will always hold a special place in my heart.
April 16 was the due date of my first pregnancy.
My child would be 5 years old this year.

It isn't something I talk about with anyone.  It is something I even bring up to my husband.  As this day passes every year, I say a prayer for the child that was once in me, even if just for a little while.  I have read and prayed and talked with a lot of people about miscarriages and I am not sure what I believe.  Some say it was your child who needed a more perfect body who later comes to earth through another pregnancy.  Some say you will have the opportunity to raise that child in heaven. I have heard they just needed a body, if only for a moment. The verdict is still out for me....

But nonetheless, I ache and hurt.  He would be going to kindergarten.  He would be talking and running and learning numbers and letters....But he didn't make it.  It didn't happen. I am grateful for the lives I carried before my sweet Tiny Baby was born because I think I appreciate him so much more.  I have heard, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before."  It doesn't make things any easier.

To my sweet spirit baby, I love you and I am grateful to have loved you.  I am grateful to have had you inside of me, if only for a few weeks.  You made me a mommy first.  You brought joy to our home and our lives.  Thank you for loving and choosing me.  Happy Birthday Baby!!

The Duggars

I have always been a fan of the Duggar family since they came out with their first show, 16 kids and Counting. I just watched their final show of their season of 19 Kids and Counting and I cried.  Not like the Julia Roberts, wipe a tear and be good cry, but the all out bawl my eyes out, unsightly mabeline lines all over my face, snot dripping....yup, one of those cries.  Michelle was pregnant with her 20th child.  When she went in for her 20 week ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby, the tech couldn't find a heartbeat.  It was devastating for the entire family.  What Michelle kept saying really hit home with me, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh, blessed be the name of the Lord."  God has given me a precious, beautiful spirit in that of my Tiny Baby.  And I know the Lord could take him away when he sees fit.  I only hope and pray that I need him more on this side of the veil than God needs him on the other side. 

But what really struck me, more today than it has before, is I will be a mother to many children, whether it is now or later, whether it is here or on the other side.  Please understand, this doesn't necessarily make it any easier when I go to the zoo and everyone (and everything including every animal) is swollen with a belly but it gives me a bit of perspective.  The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh....

I wish I was a more elequant writer.  I wish that I could beautifully put down how I am feeling or thinking. But my tears are an expression of my thoughts.  My tears express volumes.....

It's happening again

Disclaimer:
I have been worried about writing about my secondary infertility because of the looks or the comments I may receive.  "But you have a child.  That is more than some women will ever hope to have." And ya know what, you are right.  I am not being selfish.  I am ever so grateful for the AMAZING blessing of my sweet little boy.  I promised Heavenly Father that I would never take him for granted and I DON'T, but at the end of the day, this is my blog and I can freely write about how I am feeling. If  you read my main blog you would know that I don't take a moment for granted! There....now onto the post...

I went to church today.  I love church!  I love church because of the amazing ward I am in.  They are so supportive.  They are all so kind.  But my ward is full of young, spunky PREGNANT women.  Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE them dearly!  I know several of them have struggled with getting pregnant themselves so I don't hate.  :)  It is just hard.  I am looking at the women at church and wishing it was me.  We went to the zoo yesterday and you know what I noticed?  All of the pregnant women!  *sigh*  I am nearly 30 (wow...I said it, it must really be true!) and I really thought I would be done before I was 35.  It scares me to think we may not even have #2 before that time!  6 years.  6 years it took me to get pregnant with Tiny Baby.  When I was younger, much younger, I pictured myself with 8 children.  But times have changed.  I think about my family and I see, dream, of 3 little boys.  3 perfect little boys.  But if I only get 1, gosh, he sure is perfect!!

Gosh, I love that boy!!  Thank you, Heavenly Father, for sending me such an amazing, perfect blessing.  If if be thy will, someday I would love to give him a brother.  If not, thanks for letting me be his mommy!!                                               

Secondary Infertility

Nearly every couple who was pregnant with us is either expecting or just had thier second child.  It is really hard.  The questions have started to come up again, "When are you having another one?"  Wouldn't we like to know that too!  I enjoy every single second with my little guy.  I try not to take a single second for granted.  I hope it doesn't take us another 6 years to have another one, if we can even have another one.  I am so eternally grateful for the blessing my Heavenly Father has given me with my little Bug.  He makes me so happy!  I just hope we can give him a brother someday. 

It never ends

I have taken a break from posting on this blog because I had thought, "Well, I got pregnant and now I have a darling, sweet, perfect little boy, what right do I have to post on my infertility blog?"  And the truth is, it never ends.  Please, don't get me wrong.  I love my Bug so incredibly much and I absolutely do not take a single moment with him for granted!  I hold him and love on him and cuddle him and play with him.  This is NOT a pity party.  This is me expressing my thoughts.  I cannot believe he is 13 months old!  Where did the time go?

But in reality, inferility is peaking its ugly little head.  We are not/have not prevented pregnancy.  I have thought about having a second child since Bug was born.  I am constantly worrying about having another child.  I am constantly driving myself crazy about getting pregnant again.  I am almost 30 years old.  I was supposed to be done having children by the time I was 35.  It is crazy, emotional.  It never stops.  There is no, "I changed my  mind.  I chicken out of this roller coaster, I want off" place.  Here we are.  Here I am, standing on the precipice of craziness. 

Dear Friend,

My heart aches for you because...I have been there.

When I heard you lost your second little one to a miscarriage last week, my heart ached. I cried and shed many tears for you. I wish that I could take you in my arms and hold you. I wish that I could give you permission to cry, to be angry. Those are okay emotions to feel. I wish I could tell you that your time will come too. I want to make it better, easier for you. I want you to be able to smile again, but please know, it is okay to hurt.

I love you dearly. I know you don't know me, but it is important for me to tell you, you are in my prayers. You are a special spirit daughter of God and although it may not seem like it, He has a grand, divine plan for you! The road is never easy and I recognize that. I know that there is nothing I can say that will make it easier for you. I know that words are often meaningless, but know that I am praying, and crying, with you!

The Post I Never Thought Would Happen

Five years...
Five years of failed pregnancies, negative "pee on a stick tests," friends have multiple children, seeing lots of blessings and big bellies....

I never thought it would be me.

I made the comment to dh that with two dogs and our home, that our family felt complete. For the first time, I felt content with where we were, what we were doing.

One round of clomid, a lot of luck and prayers, and we conceived our miracle baby. This was seriously a post I never thought I would be typing. In fact, I have waited so long because I wasn't sure what the fate of my blog would be. I still don't know. But there are a few things I know for certain...

My heart aches for my dear friends still TTC. It can be a lonely journey. I have been there and I know. It doesn't matter if this is our only little one or if we have ten more, I can never forget where I have been. I can't stop crying because I know the pain, the sorrow, the heartache...and now, I am getting to experience the happiness, the anticipation, the excitement of an upcoming little one. I will NEVER understand the absolute injustice of infertility. And yes, I think it is an injustice. As second grade as it sounds, it is NOT fair. But I continue to learn from my journey.

I know that I relish in every moment of this pregnancy. I know that the sickness I STILL feel at 18 weeks is my baby growing. I know that the heartburn I have everyday is a good thing. I try not to complain too much because this is exactly what I wanted and I try to relish in every moment of it.

The fate of my blog is undecided. But I anticipate the next few months, the next few years, eternity, with my little one and my husband. I know prayers are answered, and it is not about our timing, it is not always our way.

Clomid

Well, I ended up being 15 days late!
But after those fifteen days, I started clomid. It was no walk in the park! My friends, you were not lying when you said it could cause mood swings. I felt like I was on the verge of crying every minute. I was super weepy. And my second side effect was HOT FLASHES! They were so random and so crazy. I would be up teaching a class and all of sudden, start sweating and fanning myself. Wow...I am not sure I am ready for children. All of the trying, all of the waiting, and I am having second thoughts, huge worries! I have heard it say that no one is ever really ready, but I don't feel physically, emotionally, financially ready. I still just trust in a bigger plan.

We don't have Internet set up at our home yet, so it is only occasionally I get to blog. Man, I miss it! Hopefully, a longer update soon!

11 Days Late and Counting

I was so excited when I spoke to my Ob/Gyn and we spoke about starting Clomid. I was supposed to start around the 1st, but here it is, the 11th, and still no cycle beginning. I have tested over and over, but it just keeps coming out negative! It is super frustrating, but I suppose it is all part of the plan.

Dh and I are moved into out new home and we are so excited. I worry a lot about money but I worry a lot about everything really. Still hoping, still praying.

A glimmer of Hope

Just got a call from my doctor. Dh's test results came back good. His swimmers are strong and he has a normal amount of them. However, about 3% of them have an odd shape she said. She said they don't really get too much alarmed until the number is at 4%. So, we talked about options and we are going to do our first round of clomid. She said it increases our percentage of twins from 3% to 15% and I had to say "Yeah!" I have wanted twins my entire life. She said we will try clomid for 3 months and if we still haven't gotten pregnant, we would talk about insemination. This is the first time in a very long time I have felt a glimmer of hope. I am swimming in worry though. We just bought our first home and Matt is out of a job, but I have to trust in a greater, more divine plan. The last few weeks when we have been praying, I thank Heavenly Father for the blessings we have and I say something to the effect that I recognize that through Him, all things are possible. I also know that it is His timing, not mine.

Friends, if you have been on clomid is there anything I should expect out of the ordinary? Any strange side effects? Anything I should be worried about?

September has come and gone

I had a dream several months ago that I would be pregnant in September. I waited in anticipation all month hoping and praying that my dream to finally be a mother would come true. My heart breaks this morning as October peaks its head around September's doorstep. Another month come and gone. There are some nights I don't get off work until 11:00pm, so driving home next to midnight, there are some strange radio shows on. I remember hearing one about a dream analyzer and a woman called in with a dream of being pregnant, but for one reason or another, she absolutely could not, under any circumstance, get pregnant. (I think it was because she wasn't with anyone at the time). The dream analyzer told her pregnancy dreams just meant a new beginning. We had a new beginning this month with the new home, but I hoped deep down in my heart that there would be a baby to put in the room we are "saving" as a nursery.

I am working very hard to stay positive. I am working very hard on keeping my chin up and keeping the faith. There are good days, and there are bad days. At this point, the good still out number the bad.

Strange Purchase

We were driving to the office to close on our first home Thursday and we passed a garage sale. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that they have a brand new crib and gliding rocker for sale. "I wonder how much it is?" So, I send my 18 yr old brother in law down to look at them. "They are pretty much brand new, and the chair is comfortable." I called dh and he said to put them on hold. I paid $125 for a crib and rocker. What was I thinking? I don't have any babies and I am not pregnant, but I guess one can only hope. I just had to have them for some reason...once I saw them, I couldn't stop thinking of them. It can go down in the basement, out of sight, out of mind.

Exactly how long is four years?

Four years: The amount of time we have been trying to add to our family of two. What a tremendous amount of time!

Four years is equal to:

The amount of time it normally takes someone to earn a Bachelor's Degree

Two LDS missions

The amount of time between Olympic games

Amount of time the President of the United States is in office

Once every four years there are 29 days in February instead of only 28

48 months, equal to about 48 times I have had to look my DH in the eye to tell him, "Not this time."

A series of unfortunate events

I got a phone call yesterday from my dear sweet husband. It is one that a wife never hopes to receive. I was told through his tears that he lost his job. My heart immediately sank to the floor. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I am frightened. I am scared. I am worried. I just started reading my scriptures again on a regular basis about two weeks ago and I just got done reading Alma and Amulek and their encounters with Zeezrom. Zeezrom had a fever and wanted to be healed. Alma basically said, "Do you have faith that you will be healed?" Zeezrom answered with the affirmative. Something to the effect that I know through Heavenly Father all things are possible. I have faith that I will be healed.
How grateful I am that I just read that encounter. Through all of this I am extremely angry, but there is a strange peace that I am feeling. That verse keeps coming into my head. I know that through Him, all things are possible. I am not sure what the plan is right now, for this particular timing. We are two weeks away from closing on our home and smack dab in the middle of fertility testing. In my eyes, it really couldn't be at a more inopportune time, but I am trying to trust. I am trying to say, "You are in charge. I understand and believe you have a plan that is bigger than the plan I had for me, for us. I have to believe. I have to have faith!

Blood Test #2

My second blood test came back normal. What the heck is normal anyway? I have one more blood test to run and it will be 10 days after I ovulate. That is, assuming I even ovulate. The doctor wants to schedule a hysterossalpingogram (they shoot dye up into my ovaries and uterus to look for blockages) but we are waiting to hear about insurance. I missed the deadline for this month, so it is another month of waiting. I am really okay with that right now because I have so much going on in September. I have more posts brewing in my head, but for now, I feel good.

Blood Test #1

Almost two weeks ago I went in for my first of about four blood tests they take during various times in my cycle. The doctor called last week and said she wanted to talk to me. A million and one things went through my mind, but she was calling to tell me my progesterone levels were next to nothing, almost indetectable. So, plan of action: Continue with the tests. My cycle was supposed to start on Thursday, and here it is Sunday and no aunt flo! I am only hoping it happens soon as we are leaving on Friday for Kansas. Please, please come soon! (I don't think I have hoped that many other times in my life.)

As mentioned earlier, we are going to Kansas next weekend for my nephew's blessing. I am so nervous about this. I haven't been able to sit through a blessing for months on end. I cry andBut bawl and end up leaving every single blessing. And let me just tell you this: I don't look pretty crying. :) I am so excited for my sister-in-law and their new little arrival!

The Annual

It was the annual "Scoot your butt down here" moment today. I don't really consider this to be the highlight of my year or something I really look forward to. I speak to my massage students about how extremely vulnerable their clients are, completely undressed underneath the sheet, not sure what to expect. I decided today this little appointment left me feel much for vulnerable than a massage! I sat in the room today, scantily clad in a cloak of thin, pink paper, open in the front of course, and a white "cover" of paper on the bottom. I sat for a good 35-40 minutes, naked, left alone with all of the thoughts in the world one might have in an OB/GYN office. With it being so quiet, I could hear the noise of ultrasound machines all around me. For the entire 40 minutes I sat waiting, I heard heartbeats, healthy, heartbeats of little babies growing in tummies. I had to cry. This is a sound I have yet to have the opportunity to hear. With our first baby, we went to hear the heartbeat and there was nothing. With the thought that I wasn't far enough along to hear a heartbeat, I had to wait another two weeks. Two weeks of not knowing what was going on, two weeks of worry. We went back, and there was no heartbeat. I am happy for those women who can hear the heartbeat of their little ones, but it was devastating to me where I am in life.
On another note, we have a plan to begin fertility testing again. The last two times we have begun testing, we have gotten pregnant. I have this strange cycle of things that I just realized today: I lose weight, begin testing, get pregnant, miscarry, and then gain my weight back. I really can't stand this cycle. So I am going to take my life into my hands.

3 Negatives don't Equal a Positive

The last two times I have started infertility testing, I found out somewhere in the middle of it all that I was pregnant. I made an appointment two months ago for the earliest available annual exam and to talk to my doctor (again) about being very aggressive with testing and treatment. My appointment is this next week, and I have all sorts of emotions. However, something happened a few weeks ago that really added to my anxiety, my hurt, my craziness. I have been pretty regular with my period for years. However, this last month was different. Well the date came and I was armed with all of the arsenal one would need to get through the week. And she didn't come. I thought, I have been under a lot of stress, it is possible that it will just be late. Five days came and went and still, nothing. So, I did what anyone would do and bought a test. Negative. Still, cramping and continuing to be late, nothing. I was 11 days late...3 negative tests.

On the upside, I guess there is the appointment later in the week.